im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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