Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
