yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
