I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
