He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
