I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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