I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
