I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
