a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
