i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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