look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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