he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
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I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
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So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵