Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.