wat bout pragnant strippers??
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
