well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
