I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
