My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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