I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
