my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
