New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
