I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
