i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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