Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
