I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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