I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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