i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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