I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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