i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
