I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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