Swine flu is the new snow day.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Vodka?
Forever.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
