I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
tonight lets celebrate not being married
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
