Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
