OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
