My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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