The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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