Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
