Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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