I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
