Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It's never too late to be topless.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
