PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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