I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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