I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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