Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
there is glitter all over my balls
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
