Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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