ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
