Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
