I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
