As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
