whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
