Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
