Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
