fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
