I got chris browned last night
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
