id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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