My room smells like vodka and shame
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
40s are totally the cure
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
