Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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