Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
