Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
