we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
