Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
