Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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