Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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