Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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