Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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