i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
