You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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