I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
